More Signs of the Times - Part 3

Double dose of signs today, because I might not be posting tomorrow for Easter. It really all depends on how things go and if plans fall apart (like usual).

This sign is not a funny sign, but it is unique, and possibly heart-attack inducing.

A casual passer-by might see this and panic. The optical illusion of a child floating under the water is pretty realistic. Makes you wonder how many people dobve in to save ther plastic sign kid, or called 911 for help?

The sign imparts its message pretty well.

The kid walking by in the pic looks as if he doesn't know what to make of it. He's probably thinking, "Wow. I shouldn't have bitched so much when Mom made me wear this stupid red life-jacket in a wading pool that only comes up to my knees."

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Actually, from conversations with a few law enforcement acquaintances, and experiences managing a convenience store, most cops get their doughnuts, coffee, or other non-prepackaged goodies free from the vendors.

Technically, they are not supposed to accept them as gifts, and they should pay for the items as any other person. But to foment a higher police presence via return visits, many convenience, mom & pop, or corner grocery stores write-off in-house prepared foods such as coffee, fountain drinks, doughnuts, hot dogs, etc.

I told my crew to offer, for free, those type of goodies to any cop who came in. Take their money if they insisted, of course, but offer it no charge. My store ended up with a plethora of law enforcement from county sheriffs to state troopers making a stop in. In the time I ran the store, there was never a cash robbery; beer runs (swiping a case off a display and bolting out the door), gas drive-offs (pump and not pay), and even general merchandise loss was drastically reduced.

For around $5 or $6 a day, I basically had nigh around-the-clock security. Can't beat that.

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This picture is irony in spades. And in more ways than you think.

Sure, you have the dichotomy of the childhood obesity sign plastered above the McDonald's sign. But, look at the woman in the top sign ... it's almost as if she knows what is underneath her, with that resigned look. Then, the girl in Mickey D's sign is brandishing two bags of food. Two bags. That'd be like 20,000 calories of food from any McD's I've been to.

Have you ever been to McDonald's and not had them stuff everything you ordered for your family of four into one bag? It's like they are afraid to waste paper by splitting the food into two or more bags ... yet they'll shove a thick of wad of those thin cellulose napkins on top of everything like they were some sort of curse they cannot wait to be rid of.

What makes this picture even funnier is almost unnoticed in the background. The huge yellow and red sign for a take-out place called M & ??? Kitchen. And, I dunno about you, but I've yet to go to one of those hole-in-the-wall places and gotten anything less than grease drenched food. Always a healthy choice when dining out.

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Just read this sign for yourself and wonder how they got away with it on a city bus. ^.^ hehehe

Makes you wonder if they have another slogan, "Same Day Deliveries! Sofa King Fast! Those Other Guys are Just Half Fast."

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 97 days is:

$1,584,563,250,285,286,751,870,879,006.71

More Signs of the Times - Part 2

Continuing with the sign theme today, I have two more to offer:

This one is in honor of Bruiser's new grand-babies. You have to keep ol' Bruiser on his toes. Between long days at work, long nights playing WoW, and general advancement of age, he needs reminders of how to do certain things. ~.^

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Makes you wonder if they have "Caution! Wooden Door is Opaque" signs in other parts of the building.

Actually, if you have ever walked full speed into a glass door, you know it's unpleasant, not to mention embarassing. Not that, errr , I've ever done that, mind you. >_>

We used to have little palm tree appliques on our sliding glass door that was, in theory, supposed to warn people that the door was closed. It didn't work near as well as you'd think. I tried to get my mom to let me stop cleaning the window every week for my chore on the grounds that if it was dirty and smudged people would see that and not walk into it. That plea worked as well as the appliques. =/

We had kittens at one point, and those guys, thinking there was nothing there, would run full force into the glass door and rebound backwards, shaking their heads and looking around with "Wha happen?" looks on their fuzzy faces. This went on for days until someone got the idea of putting some cardboard along the base of the door.

This didn't actually stop them from ramming into the door much, but at least now it was padded and provided a wonderful tripping tool for the humans trying to go in and out. =/

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 96 days is:

$792,281,625,142,643,375,935,439,503.35

More Signs of the Times - Part 1

Some of the more popular places at the Roost are the Sign pages. So, the next couple of days will feature even more funny, odd, or just plain stupid signs. Here are the first two for today:

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Or, you'll get a %$&#@ ticket from the %$&#@ cop hiding behind some %$&#@ bushes around the %$&#@ corner!

Actually, they should rename Interstates and Highways like that. Just to match what goes on the cars travelling on them as they are cut off, behind slow pokes, or just sitting in "rush hour" traffic.


"Yes, Dear ... I'll get your %$&#@ bread and milk when I get out of this parking lot on I%$&#@. That is if State Road %$&#@ is not backed up."

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The sign says it all.

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 95 days is:

$396,140,812,571,321,687,967,719,751.67

Signs, Signs ... Everywhere There's Signs - Part 1

TESLA lyrics

The obscure Canadian rock group Five Man Electrical Band got it right with their song "Signs". Tesla did an awesome cover to it many years later. (Lyrics to the right).

A few weeks ago I wrote a satirical article on signs. While signs were the focus of the story, the real humor came from the vagaries of the English language written on those signs.

That got me thinking of all the crazy signs that are out there. So I hunted down a bunch that will make you scratch your head.

Gee, you think?

This is also the same place whose TV station doesn't have a weatherman. They just send the station dog outside. If he comes back wet, it's raining. If he comes back white, it's snowing. If he doesn't come back, aliens probably abducted him. Please stay inside and lock your doors.

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If you see this sign be watchful for bicycles rolling around by themselves. There will likely be a Lycra-clad person chasing behind it. Wait at least 20 seconds before proceeding after a bicycle has gone by to allow for slower chasers.

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I suppose this is the same reason you drive on a parkway, park on a driveway, trucks carry shipments, and boats carry cargo. And, does this make the McDonalds' employee who brings it out to you a carhop? They should make them wear roller skates when they do.

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Leeds is a fun town. I like going to the park and watching the parents shove their kids out of the car as they speed by the playset.

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Oooooo-kay ... right.

This sign does not exist. It is a figment of your imagination. Ignore the sign. No, wait ... don't ignore the sign. But, it's really not there. so, ignore the sign, but don't ignore it? 'k? Please?



More Silly Signs Later ...

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 64 days is:

$184,467,440,737,095,516.15

Video: Being Homeless

Here's another podcast of TekPhreak TV. In this episode, Tek Phreak ponders the mysteries of those cardboard signs clutched in the hands of street people. (And, see how it ties in neatly with my recent sign blog posts? muahahahaha!)

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 54 days is:

$180,143,985,094,819.83

Signs of the Times

Signs.

They're everywhere.

I sometimes think they've learned to breed. Late at night, when no one is awake to see them. Especially political signs.

Some signs are helpful and informative. Others are just confusing.

Take today for example:

I went to Arby's for lunch. A friendly sign on the window informed me of a good deal. Any four pictured items for only five bucks. I got that. Two Arby's Cheddar Melts, a soda, and a cherry turnover. Yum!

When I paid, a small sign on the cash register informed me that debit and credit cards were accepted. I scanned the logos it showed and my card type was there. That sign saved me precious seconds as I no longer had to ask the cashier if I could pay with my Visa card.

The beverage station was emblazoned with a plethora of helpful signs: signs denoting which beverage dispensed from which nozzle, signs which kept me from mistaking ketchup from horse radish, signs which informed me that the big, round plastic things were "Large Lids" while the smaller ones were indeed "Small Lids", and even one that made sure I knew the long, thin, tubular, paper-wrapped objects were "Straws". That was a relief, because I was thinking they might be miniature blowguns, wrapped for my sanitary pleasure. The napkins had no signs, but I think those silver and black napkin holders are a universal sign for "Here There Be Napkins" anyhow.

I ignored most of the signs on my food wrappers as I ate. I didn't wish to be distracted from my epicurean delight by amusing slogans and funny cartoon characters. It was a tasty meal.

Then things went downhill.

I collected my refuse and located what appeared to be a standard fast-food restaurant waste receptacle. It had the brackets on top to stack dirty trays. It had the flap to shove the meal discards through. But the sign on it confused me.

It appeared that only cups could be thrown away. I carefully looked around and noticed several other receptacles, all marked with the same picture. I didn't know what to do.

Being very careful, I removed my cup, still filled with ice, and nudged it through the hanging flap. It landed inside with a satisfying "whumph" and tinkle of ice. I debated on slipping the other refuse though, but was worried an employee would yell at me for not obeying the clearly marked sign. So I placed the trash laden tray on top of the receptacle and walked away.

It was then I realized all the soda I had drunk was ready to be released into the wild. A set of doors were along the side of a short hallway. A blue sign was between the two doors. I moved down the corridor to study the sign.

The left hand door was closest to the stylized figure in the skirt. The right hand door was closer to the figure in pants. Or maybe it was naked. Who can tell with stick figures? I wasn't sure about the third symbol. I thought maybe it was for those who didn't make it to the restrooms and have filled their pants on accident. Or, maybe for severe hemorrhoid sufferers.

I was wearing pants against the cool weather, so decided the right side door must be for me. I just hoped I didn't run into anyone with loaded pants, like the third image, in there.

The door was locked when I tried it. I couldn't wait. I looked around, and seeing no one watching, I quickly slipped into the left side door, locking it behind me. I took care of business as fast as possible. It was then I noticed a folding, yellow sign standing in the corner.

It read "Caution! WET FLOOR".

I sighed deeply because I had just finished going and had already flushed. But, not wanting to get in trouble for disobeying that sign, and already being in the skirt bathroom with pants on, I turned the sink tap on and threw a few cupped handfuls of water onto the floor in front of the sign. I hoped that would be enough.

Satisfied, I turned around to clean my hands when a sign posted on the mirror caught my eye.

It read "Employees MUST Wash Hands Before Leaving Restroom".

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

After fifteen minutes I started to think no employees were coming to wash my hands and I'd be trapped in the restroom for ever!

Finally, I gave up. I'd already disobeyed one sign by using this restroom, what would it matter if I washed my own hands and left? I'd sneak out, of course. I didn't want to get caught.

I made it outside and to my car without an employee yelling after me, or police tackling me to the ground. I quickly pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway. Safe, at last.

Or so I thought.

I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed a Sheriff's car cruising behind me. His lights weren't on, and no siren was warbling, but I got nervous.

It was then I realized I still a wad of paper toweling from the restaurant's bathroom! If he pulled me over, it could be used as evidence of my failure to obey those signs!!!

I began to panic. I didn't want to hide the incriminating paper towels in my car. What if they searched it? I could eat it ... no, it was full of icky germs. What to do? What to DO?

It was then my prayers were answered.

Another sign along the grassy shoulder told me what to do.

I rolled down my passenger window and chucked the damning evidence right out!

Just then the police cruiser flickered its lights and bleeped the siren at me.

Whew! I was safe. I had gotten rid of the evidence of my restroom transgressions in time!

Several minutes later, I sat disconsolately in my car, staring at $300 citation the firm, but nice, officer had written me for throwing the paper out of my car. I didn't argue with him about it. I was just glad I wasn't in worse trouble over those signs back at Arby's.

I'm thinking of contesting the ticket in court, though.

I mean, the sign I passed did say "Fine for Littering".

Why Spellcheck Is So Important

I was going to do today's blog post on something entirely different. A post about Love, about Friendship. A post on Valentine's Day traditions. Then I saw this.


Just what kind of grocery store is this? Victoria's Secret & Deli?

This isn't the worst typo, misspelling, or ignorant usage of words I've seen, by far. I have contributed my fair share to the torquing of text, the warping of words, the subversion of sentences. Daily.

One of the most embarrassing, yet funniest, slips of the type was done by my mother. She was a church secretary and put together the weekly Sunday bulletin. The main section of which was composed of a short message from the pastor. He would hand write what he wanted put in that week, and my mom would transcribe it on the computer, then add it to the bulletin.

One week, the pastor's mini-message was on promoting fellowship within the congregation, especially with those members with which you may have issues. The final line admonished "God commands us to love others, as He loves us. Make an effort to befriend those brethren you avoid. Work out your problems with them, through the Grace of our Lord, and you will find a new friend, and more fulfillment in your worship, than if you continued ducking them in church."

Wonderful words.

Or, they would have been had the "d" and "f" keys weren't so close on the keyboard. A most "fowl" typo, indeed.

I do not know how the spellcheck missed it. I do not know how my mother, myself, and the pastor missed it in proofreading. The congregation surely didn't miss it ... all 400+ of them ... loudly, with great shock, and not a little laughter.

My mother paid much closer attention to her typed word from then forward. As did the rest of the church. ~.^

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Today's Penny Doubled Daily Cumulative Amount for 45 days is:

$351,843,720,888.31